So my father did it, and I don’t think it was intentional, the big thing was that his perspective was to be treated as objective fact in discussions in which he was a part. You could say something like “I’m cold” and he’d respond with “it’s not cold” in a frustrated tone. The long and short of it in how it fucked me up is that I struggle to trust my own subjective reality and feel the need to get permission to feel things. That can be a real problem when it comes time to form and maintain boundaries for example.
That particular example is often a subject of discussion in our house.
The preface is, im absolutely aware that an individuals experience is what matters, rather than my perspective. For example, if a 10 year old child says they’re very worried about a truck they left at the park, its not helpful or relevant that my own stresses and concerns are more impactful - like I lost my job and cant pay the mortgage, what matters is that the child is distressed.
That said, my partner and I often bicker about whether “it’s cold”.
We have twins, who are toddlers. Shes from the “fully dressed in warm clothes at all times” school of parenting, while my approach is… less prescriptive.
Obviously if a child told me they’re cold i wouldnt simply tell them that its not cold, but give them some warmer clothes.
Another point of contention in our house is the heater. We live in a temperate climate and the cost of heating is a significant component of the household budget.
My partner tends to run the heater more often than I would, but often times shes wearing a thin nightgown. Not surprisingly, the accepted approach in most households is to put on more clothes if you’re feeling cold, but of course you can turn on the heater if you’re still cold.
Im really just trying to figure out whether I am in fact a gasslighting asshole, given your example 😆
I suppose a disagreement around use of a heater is not at all the same as telling someone whether “its cold”.
So my father did it, and I don’t think it was intentional, the big thing was that his perspective was to be treated as objective fact in discussions in which he was a part. You could say something like “I’m cold” and he’d respond with “it’s not cold” in a frustrated tone. The long and short of it in how it fucked me up is that I struggle to trust my own subjective reality and feel the need to get permission to feel things. That can be a real problem when it comes time to form and maintain boundaries for example.
Interesting.
That particular example is often a subject of discussion in our house.
The preface is, im absolutely aware that an individuals experience is what matters, rather than my perspective. For example, if a 10 year old child says they’re very worried about a truck they left at the park, its not helpful or relevant that my own stresses and concerns are more impactful - like I lost my job and cant pay the mortgage, what matters is that the child is distressed.
That said, my partner and I often bicker about whether “it’s cold”.
We have twins, who are toddlers. Shes from the “fully dressed in warm clothes at all times” school of parenting, while my approach is… less prescriptive.
Obviously if a child told me they’re cold i wouldnt simply tell them that its not cold, but give them some warmer clothes.
Another point of contention in our house is the heater. We live in a temperate climate and the cost of heating is a significant component of the household budget.
My partner tends to run the heater more often than I would, but often times shes wearing a thin nightgown. Not surprisingly, the accepted approach in most households is to put on more clothes if you’re feeling cold, but of course you can turn on the heater if you’re still cold.
Im really just trying to figure out whether I am in fact a gasslighting asshole, given your example 😆
I suppose a disagreement around use of a heater is not at all the same as telling someone whether “its cold”.