I’ve never been in that particular pit, as I don’t experience gender dysphoria in my assigned gender, but I recognise the shape of the pit based on other experiences being hopeless. Giving into one’s hopelessness can be an odd comfort sometimes. If you believe that this is it for you and it can’t ever get better, then you’re protected from the pain of hoping for more. Sometimes you hope for more and you work ridiculously hard to make it happen, but it still doesn’t feel enough to make you want to live. The prospect of that is so scary that resigning oneself to misery feels safer.
When I was very low, I resented people who were happier than me (which was most people) because they disrupted the worldview I’d built where there was no point in trying. Or alternatively, I resented them because I viewed them as being ontologically different to me — people who were born with the capacity to be happy, whereas people like me had no choice to stew in misery.
What sucks is that I did have a choice about a lot of things, but I didn’t have a choice about the systemic oppression that pushed me down that pit in the first place. I’m doing a lot better now, and I don’t feel like I’m in a pit anymore (besides the ultra wide pit of “suffering under late stage capitalism”, but at least I’m in good company). To get to this point, I need to be able to acknowledge that I was both powerless and powerful in my own life. I feel sad whenever I see /tttt/ and other cult-like doomer cultures because I really sympathise.
I’ve never been in that particular pit, as I don’t experience gender dysphoria in my assigned gender, but I recognise the shape of the pit based on other experiences being hopeless. Giving into one’s hopelessness can be an odd comfort sometimes. If you believe that this is it for you and it can’t ever get better, then you’re protected from the pain of hoping for more. Sometimes you hope for more and you work ridiculously hard to make it happen, but it still doesn’t feel enough to make you want to live. The prospect of that is so scary that resigning oneself to misery feels safer.
When I was very low, I resented people who were happier than me (which was most people) because they disrupted the worldview I’d built where there was no point in trying. Or alternatively, I resented them because I viewed them as being ontologically different to me — people who were born with the capacity to be happy, whereas people like me had no choice to stew in misery.
What sucks is that I did have a choice about a lot of things, but I didn’t have a choice about the systemic oppression that pushed me down that pit in the first place. I’m doing a lot better now, and I don’t feel like I’m in a pit anymore (besides the ultra wide pit of “suffering under late stage capitalism”, but at least I’m in good company). To get to this point, I need to be able to acknowledge that I was both powerless and powerful in my own life. I feel sad whenever I see /tttt/ and other cult-like doomer cultures because I really sympathise.