My wife had this realization as well. She’s autistic, and was complaining about some of her dad’s habits. I mentioned that her dad was probably autistic too. She seemed confused.
I pointed out that what she had just complained about were some behaviors that were basically the textbook definition of autism. But he was an Irish Catholic boomer. He grew up in a world where authority figures tried to beat the demons out of him instead of getting him diagnosed. So he probably developed a lot of coping techniques to try and mask. And half of the things she was complaining about were his coping techniques, the other half were the autistic behaviors he was trying to mask.
For her, the realization was like shattering an illusion. Suddenly, she started recognizing all of the traits and behaviors that she never clued into before. Because when she was growing up, all of the behaviors were normalized. And as an autistic person herself, she didn’t even think to question a lot of his peculiarities because they didn’t seem peculiar to her.
That happened with my mom recently. She self diagnosed as autistic last year and has been going to a therapy group. I 100% believe without a single doubt that she is autistic, it makes sooooo many things with her make so much sense.
My problem is, I still need her to say she’s sorry for some pretty terrible things she’s said to me. She won’t do that and just yells at me for things she’s perceived I said/did that I’ve already apologized for a bunch of times. A lot of it is just her misinterpreting my words or actions, I still said sorry.
But I need her to apologize for things like the countless times she’s said “you are not my daughter” over the smallest misperceptions. And she can’t do that so I’m just stuck here feeling like I don’t have a mom.
My dad is borderline. He tries. He went to therapy and started medication but I think it was too late for him. It’s very hard to change when you’re older.
Can confirm as a 43 yr old that trauma from childhood can be damn near impossible to change, even when it results in behavior I loathe in myself. CPTSD is brutal.
I don’t think everything is black and white like that. My dad has mental health issues but he does try when he manages to think about doing so.
yeah I got fucking whiplash when I realized my dad didn’t hate me he’s just super autistic with a touch aversion
i was 29 years old when I realized this, I’m not sure he even has a hint of a clue
My wife had this realization as well. She’s autistic, and was complaining about some of her dad’s habits. I mentioned that her dad was probably autistic too. She seemed confused.
I pointed out that what she had just complained about were some behaviors that were basically the textbook definition of autism. But he was an Irish Catholic boomer. He grew up in a world where authority figures tried to beat the demons out of him instead of getting him diagnosed. So he probably developed a lot of coping techniques to try and mask. And half of the things she was complaining about were his coping techniques, the other half were the autistic behaviors he was trying to mask.
For her, the realization was like shattering an illusion. Suddenly, she started recognizing all of the traits and behaviors that she never clued into before. Because when she was growing up, all of the behaviors were normalized. And as an autistic person herself, she didn’t even think to question a lot of his peculiarities because they didn’t seem peculiar to her.
That happened with my mom recently. She self diagnosed as autistic last year and has been going to a therapy group. I 100% believe without a single doubt that she is autistic, it makes sooooo many things with her make so much sense.
My problem is, I still need her to say she’s sorry for some pretty terrible things she’s said to me. She won’t do that and just yells at me for things she’s perceived I said/did that I’ve already apologized for a bunch of times. A lot of it is just her misinterpreting my words or actions, I still said sorry.
But I need her to apologize for things like the countless times she’s said “you are not my daughter” over the smallest misperceptions. And she can’t do that so I’m just stuck here feeling like I don’t have a mom.
yeah unfortunately I can relate :/
i went no contact with my mom quite a few years ago for never accepting responsibility for any wrongdoing or apologizing my entire life.
hang in there ❤️
💚
My dad is borderline. He tries. He went to therapy and started medication but I think it was too late for him. It’s very hard to change when you’re older.
Can confirm as a 43 yr old that trauma from childhood can be damn near impossible to change, even when it results in behavior I loathe in myself. CPTSD is brutal.
“Oh no! My parents forgot to feed me for six weeks! It’s okay; they’re unwell.”
Abuse with an excuse is still abuse.
Yet understanding where your parents are coming from is an important step in healing.